What Am I Doing Here?
The Backside of the Golden Driller
Have you ever felt drawn to do something crazy? The kind of thing that takes all of your courage and faith? And then you do that thing expecting immediate breakthrough, blessing and overwhelming success, only to get there and nothing is like you thought it would be. At all.
Welcome to the last six months of my life. I felt prompted by the Holy Spirit, and yes some circumstances as well, to up and move half way across the country. I had a good job lined up, a great church to attend, family and friends living nearby, what could go wrong? After all, if I’m willing and obedient I’ll eat the best of the land right?
Of course the answer is right, but sometimes the best of the land doesn’t look the way you expect it to look. The first battle I encountered was my job. Let me start by saying that I have always had the most supportive, most loving people surrounding me. I don’t ever remember being unliked in any way. However, as soon as I arrived in my new hometown of Tulsa, I could tell that something at work was terribly wrong. Can you say power struggle? The pain was real. It was obvious that although those who hired me were excited to have me on board, the people at the location where I worked were very unhappy about it. They had a different candidate in mind and were very disappointed in me before I even got there. Without going into detail, let me just say that the whole escapade ended a month later when I resigned after a dead fish was left in my office to frighten me off. It worked.
The whole experience had been so stressful that at first all I felt was relief after I quit. Then it hit me! I was 750 miles away from home in a new city and I didn’t have a job! Fortunately, my house had just sold back in Illinois and I was able to use some of the money I made on the sale in order to survive. After resting for a few weeks, I started my job hunt in earnest. I spent 1-5 hours a day looking at job postings and applying for positions. That’s when the tornadoes started.
Everyone had warned me that tornado season here was crazy, but I didn’t expect over 80 tornadoes within a month’s time! I don’t think anyone else did either. I lived on the third floor, with no where to hide. The whole experience was terrifying to say the least. I prayed very earnestly for safety and protection. Over the past decade or so, I had experienced some relief from an overly fearful spirit, but it all came back like a flood, every day was filled with dread…and speaking of floods, did I mention that Tulsa had flooding of epic proportions this year?
A couple of months went by and I still hadn’t found work. I decided that it was a blessing because I was able to drive up to Wisconsin and help my mom finish packing because she had sold her home and was moving with me. Part of me dreaded going because I felt like the worst leader in the world. Here I was so sure that God had directed me to move to Tulsa, Oklahoma that my mom jumped on board with my plan, and sold her house and now I didn’t even have a job!! But, I had the therapeutic task of packing everything up, which helped me squash my fears and move forward. Perhaps this is why I hadn’t gotten work, so that I could help my mom move, I thought. After we were both settled into our tiny apartment and began looking for a house while I still searched for a job. I had many interviews, both phone and live, but no one was calling for a second interview. I felt like the girl who never got asked out on a second date. But there was the busyness of moving a second time and finding a house, and closing and all of the things that come with that, so I thought, God is probably waiting until after we move in to get me a job. The whole house purchase process moved quietly and smoothly. We found a lovely house in a great neighborhood. But closing was six weeks away and it was hotter than ever not to mention that I was stung by wasps five times right outside the front door of the apartment. A trip to the urgent care and emergency room later, and closing day finally came. A couple more amazing job interviews went by, still no work. Now am I thinking, What on earth am I doing here? I came to Tulsa like I was coming to some kind of Promised Land and all I got was a job that hated me, tornadoes, floods, rejection and stung by wasps! Instead of the Promised Land, I felt like I was looking at the backside of the Golden Driller with no way to change my view!
I recently read that there are often two rivers to cross when making a transition. For the children of Israel, it was the Red Sea and the Jordan River. The Red Sea was the beginning of the journey. I am certain that the people thought that as soon as they got to the other side that everything was going to be just perfect. Perhaps it would have been better for them had they not complained and feared and distrusted God. And now this is where I found myself. Complaining because things had not turned out how I had planned, striking the rock and longing for onions and garlic…Aurelios pizza and Portillo’s Beef in my case.
What I failed to realize is that although things hadn’t turned out how I had planned, I was still supernaturally provided for and protected every step along the way. I am far better off than I’ve ever been, with a beautiful house that I share with my sweet Mama. I live minutes away from my son, who is establishing his own life. I have a wonderful new church to attend, as well as the support, prayers and love of so many at my old church. And I’ve been forced to do something that I hated to give up all those years ago when I started to work full time. I’ve begun to write again. Perhaps that is what God planned all along. Perhaps He knew that the only way to get me quiet and desperate enough to write again was to get me into the desert of the in between.
The first crossing was the Red Sea, but the second crossing was the Jordan River. It was after this crossing that the people experienced true freedom and victory and more than enough. But first, God took care of them in the wilderness. He fed them. He made sure that their clothes and shoes didn’t wear out. He worked on their character and prepared them to be fearless warriors who believed that God had given them new territory.
Maybe you’re like me. Maybe God has asked you to do something, and you had an expected end in mind that didn’t quite work out. Perhaps you’re in the Wilderness of In Between. Know this: God’s plans are better than yours. Plan like it depends on you but pray like it depends on Him. Let yourself be led by doing whatever your hand finds to do. My anchor Scripture during this time in my life has been Isaiah 30:21 - And your ears shall hear a word behind you, saying, “This is the way, walk in it,” when you turn to the right or when you turn to the left.
I know God has plans and I can’t wait to see what they are. In the meantime, I’ll write, I’ll volunteer, I’ll do whatever He has put in front of me and I’ll find myself right in the middle of where I should be. Have you ever felt like your obedience was answered with trials? Tell me about it in the comment section!
